Once, I started writing stories

tumblr_mll8lpavil1rcgffoo1_1280Still feeling English. Don’t ask, just accept.

Right now is one of those times in life when I should be really happy. Compared to what it was a year ago, I am doing really well. I have a job that I absolutely adore, and that is still pretty much a dream job I never knew to hope for. My doggies are the best doggies in the universe, altho I’ll admit my bias in this question, even when they don’t always come when called, or run through the muddiest of patches over and over (I knew I was playing with fire when I nicknamed her Miss Piggy). My friends are amazing, and always get me to have a good time and don’t look at me weird when I laugh and cry at the same time (it’s one of my quirks, that tears start flowing when I’m really laughing; it usually freaks people out a little in the beginning). I have a home I feel comfortable in, and food in the fridge, and a fridge in the first place, and just… pretty much everything I could ask for. But I guess it’s human nature to always focus on the thing that’s disrupting the perfection, right? No matter how small or big, you focus on that one thing that makes you unhappy, and you start being unhappy. And though I try hard not to do that, and remind myself daily of my fortunate situation, and how all this was so much worse a year ago… I can’t quite manage it. Not yet.

Over the past year and a half or so, my focus has really shifted when it comes to myself. Bettering myself never really was something I particularly paid attention to. I was proud of myself, flaws and all, but in an almost flaunting kind of way. As if it didn’t occur to me to want to be better, or maybe not even what that better was. But now, it’s such a big part of my life, I can’t even remember what it was like before. I still am proud of myself, and accept all the flaws, but I’m enjoying growing as a person, growing up in a way, and becoming better. I know I have issues with keeping my calm, that I could be more patient, sometimes more tactful; that I could (and should, in realness) be less bratty and have more self-discipline in general, that I could be more empathetic. I’m working on all of those things, I promise. Not to you, but to myself. It’s strange to look back and think of the person I was, and see how much I’ve come along mentally, whilst still being ME. I constantly look for things in experiences that are places of growth. And, as you may have noticed, self-analysation is one of my favourite past-times. :D

It occurred to he the other day, that the list of 3 artists I need to see in my lifetime is almost complete. I posted one on Tumblr a long time ago, in qutumn 2014 I think, that consisted of 3 beloved bands: Imagine Dragons, OneRepublic, and Mumford&Sons. I saw OneRepublic in Nov 2014, Imagine Dragons just happened in January this year, and I have a ticket for Mumford&Sons for May. And what then? I mean, obviously I haven’t then seen everyone I’ll want to see live at some point. That list is horridly (for my bank account) extensive. But I’ll need to find that passion for new artists then – need to find new goals. I don’t know, it’s just a little strange to think.

It’s a pretty common habit of making wishes on  11:11 and all the other variants. Or I think it is, at least. I’ve been doing that too, for years, but over some recent times I’ve been more determined with it. I always have the same three wishes. One is the rational, the actually important one. One is something that I just need right now, but not a physical item. And one is the one I don’t quite have words for to explain. But yes. Always three of the same. I’m hoping if I put it out into the universe enough times, it will have to happen.

On a sidenote, how is it possible to be both hot AND cold at the same fucking time? And will my week-and-a-half-of-fever turn out to be harmless?

So an answer to a fairly common question of “How are you?” is… Same-same but different. I’m happy, but not as happy as I should, and certainly not as happy as I could be. I struggle with guilt over that sometimes, because so much has become better, and I shouldn’t be greedy. I enjoy my life, I enjoy the sunshine and the people and the music and the world. But there’s a lot that I don’t quite know what to make of, and if you know me, I’m not good with not understanding. As in, I do believe things happen for a reason, but sometimes, I just wish I knew what that reason was, you know? But life is good and I’m going to make it even better.

Soon I’ll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold or will I have a lot of children who can warm me?

Lukas Graham – 7 years


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