I gotta have faith

tumblr_nxgrcf0p831tkdnk6o1_1280Tere, sõbrad. Vabandust, et nii kaua eemal olin. Kuna mõlemad mu igapäevtööd (just, mõlemad!) hõlmavad üsna suurel hulgal kirjalikku suhtlust, siis ma… Kuidagi ei ole tundnud, et peaks veel kirjutama. Aga nüüd tuli see tunne.

Täna õhtul tundsin jälle, et võibolla ikkagi universumil on plaan, võibolla on miski, mis hoiab silma peal. Täiesti juhuslikult jõudis minuni lauluna sõnum, meeldetuletus. Mul oli seda vaja.

Mul läheb tegelikult väga hästi. :) Juuli lõpus jõudis minuni võimalus, mille suunas olen teatud mõttes töötanud mitu aastat ja ma pean ütlema, et ehkki see võimalus on mu elu muutnud märksa stressirohkemaks ja toonud kaasa frustreerivaid olukordi, olen ma ikkagi väga rahul. Ma saan iga päev minna kohta, kus mulle meeldib. Ma mäletan, kuidas mitmel erineval mitte-nii-hästi-meeldival töökohal aeg venis – kuidas ma näiteks töötasin seal vaid ühe suve, vaid kolm kuud, kuid see tundus väga lähedal igavikule. Nüüd on kaks kuud möödas nii, et arugi pole saanud. See on hea! Nagu üks meesterahvas ütles, kellega mul hiljuti au kohtuda ja vestelda oli, see on jube tähtis, et sa oled rahul. Ja ma tõesti olen.

Üldiselt ongi kõik väga vaimustav, välja arvatud muidugi see üks valdkond, mis… Noh, mida pole kunagi olnudki, põhimõtteliselt. Ma kohtun pidevalt uute ja huvitavate ja toredate inimestega, aga mitte ikkagi… niimoodi. Võibolla see on tõesti sellepärast, et ma endalegi ootamatult avastasin, et kukkusin ikkagi natuke. Ja loomulikult on see asi nüüdseks minus tekitanud omajagu frustratsiooni ja kurbi tundeid ja küsimusi. Aga see meeldetuletus läks asja ette. I gotta have faith. Usku, et kõik läheb nii, nagu on ette nähtud. Mõnikord seda on lihtsam meeles pidada, kui mõni teine kord.

On ikka olukordi, millest ma ei oska midagi arvata. On ikka ka väga palju inimesi, kes arvavad, et see on väga halb ja hale, et ma üldse jätkuvalt arvan, et ma peaks oskama midagi arvata. Või et ma tahaks osata midagi arvata. Neile kõigile on mul vaid see sõnum, et ma tean. Ausalt, ma TEAN muidugi seda kõike, mida te arvate, ja ma olen ka nõus. AGA. Loomulikult on seal “aga”, ja see on väga ebamugav. Maybe it is a foolish notion. Maybe this will all make sense one day. MAYBE. Me ei tea seda! It really is a waiting game.

Elu kulgeb muidu ikka üsna kiires tempos üha edasi. Ja ma pean ütlema, et esimest korda elus mul on hea meel, et aeg liigub. See tõotab häid asju, tulevik.

Vaatame, mis juhtub. I have faith. :)

Peace, mu särasilmad!

Well I need someone to hold me, but I’ll wait for something more.

Sleeping At Last – Faith

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“Elu, mida sa plaanid?”

See on hea küsimus.

Küsisin ise ka seda täna hommikul

Ja palju-palju teisi kordi.

Aga ta ei vasta ja universum ka ei vasta

Itsitab ja vaikib ainult

Tuleb vist oodata!

“Don’t become who hurt you”

tumblr_nl6ezklkyz1rartk7o1_540Nii oluline. Ma näen seda nii palju. Inimesed, kes algatavad mingi doominoefekti, kellele EI ole tehtud… Aga kelle pärast või eeskujul tehakse. Ka tahtmatult, ehkki see ei ole oluline. Kui sa oled kedagi retsinud, siis see ei loe, kas sa tahtsid või ei tahtnud. See, kas sa tegid kellelegi haiget, ei ole sinu otsustada.

Hirmus on vaadata, kui keegi lohistab kedagi teist järel. Teab, mis teine tunneb, või vähemalt aimab, ja ei lase ikkagi minna, ehkki on ise juba ammu läinud mujale, või alati olnudki mujal. Ja nii kurb. Kuidas keegi on nagu… limbos. Sa oled mingis kohas, mis ei ole ei hea ega halb, sest sa ei TEA, kus sa paikned. Sa ei saa midagi muuta, sest see ei ole sinu teha. Sa sõltud täiel määral kellestki teisest, kes ei ütle ei üht ega teist, või ütleb nii üht kui teist. Ja nii sa seal… Ootad. Keerutad pöidlaid ja mõtled, et mida sa üldse täpsemalt ootad või kas on üldse mõtet… Aga see ei olene sinust. Sa ei saa midagi valida, enne kui kord saad. Aga see tuleb alati hiljem.

Eriti vist sellises olukorras on lihtne tekkima see, et sa muutud ise samasuguseks. Keegi teine jääb sinu järel ootama, ja sa ehk ei teagi, mida talle öelda, sest sa ei tea, kus sa täpselt oled. Ja nii edasi.

Aga see on munn. See käitumine on munn. Sa võid olla muidu maailma parim inimene, uus Ema Teresa, aga kui sa seda teed, siis sa oled ühtlasi ka munn. Sest see on hirmus olukord, kuhu kedagi panna. Ja kui sa oled nõus kellegi sellisesse olukorda panema, siis… Noh, see räägib ju nii mõndagi selle kohta, kui kalliks sa neid tegelikult ikkagi pead, kas pole?

Ära tee teistele seda, mida sulle on tehtud. Ära tee isegi siis, kui sulle ei ole. Ära ole ikkagi see inimene.

* * *

Lihtsalt mõtted, mida nähtud olukorrad ja loetud laused tekitasid. Minul on hetkel kõik päris hästi. :)

Varsti kirjutan pikemalt, ma luban. Elu on hea!

Peace, särasilmad

Nii et nad küsivad, miks sa nukrutsesid… Ausalt sa isegi ei mäleta enam, sest et selleks korraks
Läbi on valu, vaev, läbi on pinge, töö, läbi on muretsemisaeg ja läbi ka jube möll. Läbi on vihavaen ja kõik muu närve sööv – algamas on ettearvamatu öö.

Head ööd!

Chalice – Head ööd

Once, I started writing stories

tumblr_mll8lpavil1rcgffoo1_1280Still feeling English. Don’t ask, just accept.

Right now is one of those times in life when I should be really happy. Compared to what it was a year ago, I am doing really well. I have a job that I absolutely adore, and that is still pretty much a dream job I never knew to hope for. My doggies are the best doggies in the universe, altho I’ll admit my bias in this question, even when they don’t always come when called, or run through the muddiest of patches over and over (I knew I was playing with fire when I nicknamed her Miss Piggy). My friends are amazing, and always get me to have a good time and don’t look at me weird when I laugh and cry at the same time (it’s one of my quirks, that tears start flowing when I’m really laughing; it usually freaks people out a little in the beginning). I have a home I feel comfortable in, and food in the fridge, and a fridge in the first place, and just… pretty much everything I could ask for. But I guess it’s human nature to always focus on the thing that’s disrupting the perfection, right? No matter how small or big, you focus on that one thing that makes you unhappy, and you start being unhappy. And though I try hard not to do that, and remind myself daily of my fortunate situation, and how all this was so much worse a year ago… I can’t quite manage it. Not yet.

Over the past year and a half or so, my focus has really shifted when it comes to myself. Bettering myself never really was something I particularly paid attention to. I was proud of myself, flaws and all, but in an almost flaunting kind of way. As if it didn’t occur to me to want to be better, or maybe not even what that better was. But now, it’s such a big part of my life, I can’t even remember what it was like before. I still am proud of myself, and accept all the flaws, but I’m enjoying growing as a person, growing up in a way, and becoming better. I know I have issues with keeping my calm, that I could be more patient, sometimes more tactful; that I could (and should, in realness) be less bratty and have more self-discipline in general, that I could be more empathetic. I’m working on all of those things, I promise. Not to you, but to myself. It’s strange to look back and think of the person I was, and see how much I’ve come along mentally, whilst still being ME. I constantly look for things in experiences that are places of growth. And, as you may have noticed, self-analysation is one of my favourite past-times. :D

It occurred to he the other day, that the list of 3 artists I need to see in my lifetime is almost complete. I posted one on Tumblr a long time ago, in qutumn 2014 I think, that consisted of 3 beloved bands: Imagine Dragons, OneRepublic, and Mumford&Sons. I saw OneRepublic in Nov 2014, Imagine Dragons just happened in January this year, and I have a ticket for Mumford&Sons for May. And what then? I mean, obviously I haven’t then seen everyone I’ll want to see live at some point. That list is horridly (for my bank account) extensive. But I’ll need to find that passion for new artists then – need to find new goals. I don’t know, it’s just a little strange to think.

It’s a pretty common habit of making wishes on  11:11 and all the other variants. Or I think it is, at least. I’ve been doing that too, for years, but over some recent times I’ve been more determined with it. I always have the same three wishes. One is the rational, the actually important one. One is something that I just need right now, but not a physical item. And one is the one I don’t quite have words for to explain. But yes. Always three of the same. I’m hoping if I put it out into the universe enough times, it will have to happen.

On a sidenote, how is it possible to be both hot AND cold at the same fucking time? And will my week-and-a-half-of-fever turn out to be harmless?

So an answer to a fairly common question of “How are you?” is… Same-same but different. I’m happy, but not as happy as I should, and certainly not as happy as I could be. I struggle with guilt over that sometimes, because so much has become better, and I shouldn’t be greedy. I enjoy my life, I enjoy the sunshine and the people and the music and the world. But there’s a lot that I don’t quite know what to make of, and if you know me, I’m not good with not understanding. As in, I do believe things happen for a reason, but sometimes, I just wish I knew what that reason was, you know? But life is good and I’m going to make it even better.

Soon I’ll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold or will I have a lot of children who can warm me?

Lukas Graham – 7 years

Things and stuff

tumblr_ncy091cbfz1u0r9hxo1_1280Leidsin Tumblrist suvalised küsimused ja kuna mingit muud head meemi ei ole silma jäänud, siis läheb käiku! Tuleb jälle inglise keeles, sest ma ei viitsi tõlkida, ja kui ta juba inglise keeles on, siis sellel vibe’il on lihtsam jätkata. Ärge siis pahandage! :)

* * *

1:What is your name and does it mean anything?

Maria Kristiina, and even though it’s pretty much the most Christian woman’s name out there, my family isn’t religious, and it doesn’t MEAN anything. I was named after my great-grandma tho, a feisty old lady, who passed away a couple of weeks before I was born.

2:How long have you known your best friend?

I have a couple of people I would consider my best friends. I’ve known Kadi for almost 17 years, Inks for almost 4, Juss for almost… uh… 3? And if I count my sister in, she tops the chart with almost 20 (since her birth in May 96).

3:What position do you normally sleep in?

On my stomach, one knee out, one leg straight, hugging a pillow (and possibly another one covering my head).

4:Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why?

I liked quite a few of my teachers. I would say my physics teacher (I’ve seen her quite a bit since then as she’s my friend’s mom, and she is still awesome) or my social studies teacher, who I had inside jokes with and a lil’ bit of a crush on.

5:Do you wish to travel a lot?

Yup, working on it.

6:Show a sample of your handwriting:

FullSizeRender

 

7:Have you ever given blood?

Donated blood, no, unfortunately. I have ridiculously crappy veins, giving every blood sample turns into a 30-minute-4-person team effort, and there is only one vein in one of my arms that is suitable for even that. I’ve been advised against donating, because the needle they use is bigger and would likely burst my one good vein altogether, and I’d have to start giving samples from my leg. Which would clearly be uncomfortable and apparently, also really painful.

8:Do you like the way that you grew up?

I do. Half the time in the country, half in the city, in a big family and having been taught responsibility and the value of work from a young age. I wasn’t always a fan during, but in hindsight, I did well.

9:How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends?

Oh, which one? :D

Kadi, we became friends the summer after kindergarten (although we were in the same class there too, we never played together), I don’t remember how exactly. Inks, I met at a birthday party and we’ve pretty much been inseparable since. Juss… Uhm… Through Kärt in front of Trepp, I think? And then later we started talking, because I was asking for his advice on which iPhone to get.

And with all of them, we just clicked? I don’t know, why else do people become friends? :D

10:Name one movie that made you cry.

I’m not a big crier and can’t remember the last movie I cried to, to be honest. Definitely cried when I first saw “Lion King” though. In all fairness, I was about 6.

11:Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?

Read, for sure. I love writing, but poetry isn’t my strong suit and I feel no particular calling to it.

12:Things about someone that you find attractive?

How much time do I have? :D

In general: masculine hands (and arms), a strong back, when they smell good, nice smiles, stubble, a good voice. And many-many more things.

13:What song are you currently listening to?

Specifically right now, nothing.

14:Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?

I’ve broken a tiny bone in my foot that resulted in a full cast up to my knee for 4 weeks. I was at the waterpark and hit my foot against the floaty divider between swimming tracks.

15:A random memory from you childhood:

From when I was about 6 or so, my grandma used to take me to Pärnu with her in the summers, visiting relatives, and I would freak her out at the beach, because I liked diving into the waves and she kept thinking I had drowned.

16:What was the last thing you watched on tv?

I don’t have a TV at home, but technically, my sister showed her travel photos from Namibia on TV when I was at my parents place on Sunday.

17:Do you think you’d make a good parent?

I’d like to think so. Gotta work on my patience though.

18:When is your birthday?

July 26th.

19:How many pillows do you sleep with?

Just 2. I got picked on for that some time ago. :D

20:What color is your hair?

Blonde.

21:Name 5 facts about your appearance:

4 tattoos, a birthmark under my right eye, blue eyes, 165cm tall (or short, depends on who you ask), pointy elbows.

22:What is a strange talent that you have?

My left temporomandibular joint (jaw) is weird so I can crack my jaw in a way that should probably be unhealthy.

23:How’s the weather right now?

A bit too warm for my liking, but otherwise pretty nice and wintery.

24:Are you still figuring out who you are?

Sure. To a degree, we always will be, I think.

25:Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Why?

A couple of times. I had double-sided pneumonia in the third grade and was in for a week, and I’ve been twice for surgeries since then (tonsils and gall bladder).

26:What is word that you always seem to spell wrong?

“Mandatory” has been a recent one. In Estonian, “potentsiaalne” still confuses me sometimes.

27:Would ever adopt kids?

I haven’t really thought about it, but I wouldn’t say “no”, so I guess so.

28:What is your favorite kind of pizza?

Custom – they never put everything I like on there together.

29:What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

“Ten more minutes.”

30:When was the last time you got really really happy and why?

When I realized I’d accidentally bought the tickets.

31:What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Cooked chestnuts, maybe?

32:Do you come from a family “of money?”

Nooooooo.

33:Do you have a bucket list?

Not an “official” written kind, but a mental kind of one, yup

* * *

No song this time. I’m somehow not feeling music today.

Polaroid

I’m a reckless mistake
I’m a cold night’s intake
I’m a one night too long
I’m a come on too strong

All my life I’ve been living in the fast lane
Can’t slow down
I’m a rollin’ freight train
One more time
Gotta start all over
Can’t slow down
I’m a lone red rover

I’m a hold my cards close
I’m a wreck what I love most
I’m a first class let down
I’m a shut up sit down

I am a head case
I am the color of boom
That’s never arriving
And you are the pay raise
Always a touch out of view
And I am the color of boom

Oh
How did it come to this?
Oh
Love is a polaroid
Better in picture
But never can fill the void

I’m a midnight talker
Oh I’m an alley walker
I’m a day late two face
I’m a burn out quick pace

I am a head case
I am the color of boom
That’s never arriving
And you are the opera
Always on time and in tune
And I am the color of boom

I’m gonna get ready
For the rain to pour heavy
Let it fall, fall
Let it fall upon my head

oh
How did it come to this?
oh
Love is a polaroid
Better in picture
But never can fill the void

* * *

This song is me, at roughly 23 and a half years of age. Every word of it. I’m a “hold my cards close” – I trust people, but always with reservations, and some less than others to begin with. But somehow, sometimes, I do come on too strong, and sometimes I wreck things.

I love everything about the song. Everything. How it says confidently: I’m reckless. I’m a head case. Because we all are, I believe. We all are weird, and twisted, and head cases in our own ways. You just gotta find the people who’re the same kind of weird and twisted. The same kind of head cases. I’ve made peace with that, in fact, I like that idea.

I love how it elevates that one person. “You are the opera, always on time and in tune.” I reckon, if you were to ask that person, they wouldn’t say that they are. They would identify with this song just as strongly as you, because they think they are the same way. And they are! And yet, you are not wrong either. Love is funny that way. It blinds you towards that person, and yet makes you so much more sensitive to the flaws it itself possesses. How it tends to not be enough to fill the void. Love is a polaroid – better in picture.

Always a touch out of view.

 

 

2015 lemmikutes

Tervitus mu armsad, head uut!

Ma olen mitmes erinevas sotsiaalmeediavõrgustikus nüüdseks nii möödunud kui käesoleva aasta kohta nii mõndagi öelnud, aga blogi on… blogi. Ma olen vaadanud neid meeme ja kokkuvõtteid ja mõelnud, et… Huh. Kuna möödunud aasta ei olnud mu vastu enamasti just kõige kenam, kartsin ma eelkõige, et iga kokkuvõte kisuks kole depressiivseks. Aga siis nägin ma Raya videot, mis tema aasta kokku võttis, ja korraga lõi pirn põlema. Selle asemel, et meenutada kõike, mis 2015 tegi, meenutame parem head. Siin on minu aasta 2015 lemmikud, kategooriad laias laastus Raya videost. Lemmik video/vlogi asendasin küll lemmik sotsiaalmeedia postitusega – ma ju ei vlogi. :)

Lemmik Instagram

Ma tean,  et ise valisin sellisel kombel kokkuvõtte tegemise, aga damn, see on ju tegelt raske! :D Huh, okei. Kui ma pean valima vaid ühe, siis ma arvan, et see on mu Santa Monica – Venice’i päeva kollaaž. Sest et see päev oli üleni minu oma, üleni vaimustav ja vabastav ja igaüks neist väikestest piltidest viib mind kohe sellesse kohta tagasi, kus ma seisin, mis siis toimus ja mis tunne mul oli.

photo

Lemmik käidud koht

Koht suuremas mõttes – LA.

Koht väiksemas mõttes – Union Station. Mu plaan tagasi minnes minna terveks päevaks Union Stationisse ja people watchida ja töötada on ikka jõus. Ma tundsin end seal KOHE hästi. Ma ei oska seletada, miks.

Aga, note to self, kontrolli enne, kas neil on seal a) wifi, b) pistikupesad.

IMG_4576

Lemmik päev

Okei, SEE on reaalselt liiga raske valida. Paljud päevad, paljudel erinevatel põhjustel, on sel aastal tekitanud tunnet, et “So this has got to be the good life”. Hetkelist õnne ikka oli, lihtsalt seda lahutasid pikad perioodid muud, ja mõned õnned on nüüd tagantjärgi ära võetud. Such is life!

Igatahes on tõenäoliselt lemmik üks neist päevadest, kus sai palju kalleid nähtud, sõpru või peret, ja ilusaid asju tehtud.

Lemmik sotsiaalmeediapostitus

Peale Facebookiuuringut (sest see on minu enim kasutatav sotsiaalmeedia, pluss Instagram juba sai propsi ja tumblr oleks lihtsalt liiga keeruline) jõudsin järeldusele, et pilt, mille Maarja tegi mingil hetkel sõbrapäeva öösel, kui me (nagu selgus) hakkasime just teise Maarja ja Jüriga neljakesi viinashotti tegema. See pilt on kaos ja lihtsalt lambine, aga oli üks parimaid õhtuid ja öid, mis Naiiv (ja ka 2015 üldisemalt) mulle tõi. Väga palju õnne ja rõõmu.

Screen Shot 2016-01-04 at 00.18.38

Lemmik tegu/tehtud asi

On paar erinevat, tegelikult. Esikoha võtab siiski poks. Ma mõtlesin juba kaua-kaua, et see on midagi, mida kindlasti tahaks ja peaks tegema. Nüüd siis 2015 lõpus oli see aeg ja boy, am I hooked. Algul oli plaan jääda ainult fitnesspoksi juurde. Nüüdseks ma… mõtlen juba muud. Hetkel kindlaid plaane veel pole, kuid hoian teid kursis.

Jätkuvalt armastan seda, et mul on ametlikes trennireeglites (seina peal üleval ja kõik) päriselt ka pmst kirjas, et ou, kui veritsed, siis korista pls ise ruttu ära.

Siiski, honorable mention ka tennisele (milles ma olen märkimisväärselt halvem) ja karaoke laulmisele (erinevate allikate kohaselt erineva kvaliteediga).

Lemmik kuulatud muusika

Hetkel üks suurimaid lemmikuid on Mumford & Sonsi “The Wolf.”

Speaking of, ei jõua maikuud ära oodata.

Honorable mention (pikaajaline lemmik eelmisest aastast, aga hetkel ei veits bittersweet):

Lemmik söödud asi

Peale pikka kaalumist võtab esikoha see Korean BBQ, mida seoses Jazi sünnipäevaga sain. Oh sweet mother Mary.

Honorable mention: Kevini black bean burritod. Ja mulle isegi ei meeldi oad!!

 

* * *

Ma loodan, et teil kõigil tuleb hea aasta. Pidage siis ikka ja jälle meeles seda, mida ma sel aastal endale iga päev meenutada püüan – all frustrations are self-induced. Kiiremini, kõrgemale, kaugemale!

Ühtlasi, mulle meeldib sõna “relentless”. Pean selle enda kohta ka kehtima panema.

Peace, särasilmad!

 

Los Effing Angeles

Now that I’m sitting at LAX, feeling all bittersweet about boarding my plane (25 minutes to go), I feel it’s the right time to start this post. Somehow. There’s just to much to say. (AKA this will be a long ass post, please approach with caution haha!)

IMG_2665I’ve wanted to see LA for a while, craved it and been desperate for it, but I’ll agree, it was pretty crazy of me to actually come here right now. It wasn’t wise, I should have waited and saved up some more, as many advised. (Hi, mom, by the way! Thank you for disapproving, but still letting me do this.) But if you know me, you know I’m not patient, you know I can be very “unwise” and take stupid risks. I figured no one had ever gone travelling and regretted it due to financial reasons. Or if they had, they didn’t do it the right way. And let me make it very clear – I’d take the last year all over again if that meant I could come here and stay here. I’ll take the hit right now too. IT IS SO WORTH IT. For me, it was wise.

Los Angeles is amazing. It’s so many little societies and cities in one, so much variety. With what’s going on in Europe right now, and especially in my beloved and yet recently very racist, very intolerant Estonia, I needed to get out of there. Needed to see places where differences are not only tolerated, but celebrated. LA is perfect. I have faith in humanity again, which is a pretty crappy thing to lose in the first place. I feel more motivated about myself, about changing MY world, about being a better person. I hoped this complete shift would help me gain some perspective and reload. It most certainly did and I am incredibly glad.

But ok, enough with the deep shit now. :D I didn’t really know what I was going to do when I came here. I had the idea of wanting to see LA the way locals see it, ignore the touristy stuff and go to the places casual visitors would never get to see and discover. I didn’t know if I’d even see my one local friend or if I’d end up with all new friends. I sure as hell didn’t expect all that I got, though. I got a whole collection of new favorite people. I can honestly, hand on my heart, say that I will forever love everyone I met here. I’ll miss you like crazy.

Morning talks and afternoon talks and karaoke warm-ups and cuddling sessions with Nikita The Pitbull – perfect. Karaoke with Ronnie B (The One Who No One Wants To Follow Because You’ll Sound Shit No Matter What), IMG_4551Tommy and Magic to Backstreet Boys – perfect. Liz’s birthday, dancing with everybody and watching the old couple in front of our booth get down – perfect. Accidentally hitting Jaz in the face with a cell phone, still ending up on her profile picture and eventually singing a happy birthday to her while having the world’s most amazing food – perfect. Drunk-ass visit to a Korean BBQ at 3AM with a bunch of people I hadn’t even met 24h before, apart from the Puerto Rican – perfect. Hangover morning, me and Lissa explaining to Kells why it’s totally legit to be mad at your side piece – perfect. Sunday funday at Kevin’s house, fantasy football talks, mimosas, black bean burritos so good I was practically in Mexico, FINALLY learning the Celsius-Fahrenheit conversion, holding their tiny baby and talking about exes who turned into bridge trolls – perfect. Saturday flag football when it was a million degrees and I could BARELY make sense of what was going on on the court – perfect. Watching UCLA play barely OK, but still beat Cal Poly – perfect. Accounting chats with Michelle, both of us being people who never thought about getting into accounting until they thought about getting into accounting – perfect. ALL the trasth talk in anyone’s direction, the roasting, the awesome hip-hop I’d never heard (or on the rare occasion, had) – perfect. Maybe I’ll just put it this way: every moment I had with any of you was PERFECT. I’m not saying that lightly, either. I told you, we Estonians don’t do that!

IMG_4562Random naps, being late to most places, seeing Little Tokyo and the Sushi Place You Know Is The Best Because All The Japanese Go There, all the sneaker stores, newest Bond movie, LACMA, old lamp posts, Union Station, all the best food places of many types (none of which we have in Estonia), The Berlin Wall, ALL the drives, stupidly dry humor, Pharrell as home boy, ring found on the ground (so now I can say I come home from LA with a ring), “If I fall, you know who they’ll blame”, Griffith Observatory and learning the American flag is now, in fact, a surrender flag, “There’s a joke about women driving somewhere in here, I know it…”, all the age jokes, all the people who randomly and amazingly know where Estonia is, weirdly deep chats out of nowhere, randomly found dirty old double decker toy that found its new home on a nightstand and serves as a reminder. All that and all the rest. PERFECT.

If I start thanking everyone individually, I’m bound to forget someone. I AM so thankful to everyone for all the amazingness, but just to avoid the embarrassment of a’la Robin Williams at the Oscars, forgetting to thank his mom, I’ll just go for the ones I owe the most. Don’t be mad, I love you all anyway!

Firstly – Evan. A friend of a friend who saved my ass is a HUGE way, letting me stay at his place and welcoming me even though he’d never met me before. You’ll forever be my favourite Taiwanese person and I hope to see you again some day. If I get really good at surfing in the mean time (SURE lol), we’ll go surfing, if not, we’ll figure something out anyway. When you’re in Estonia, LET ME KNOW! And I mean that in the European, not the American way, haha!

Lissa and Michelle – thank you so much for letting me stay with you, even though you didn’t know me and it must have been a little strange. I owe you not one, but 3000. If you ever need a favour of any kind, cash it in, no questions asked haha! I enjoyed every moment and am unspeakably grateful.

IMG_4576Martin and Jane, my LA buddies from afar, who advised me constantly on what to see and where to go – thank you! Whether I went to all those places this time around or saved them for the future, I’m so glad you found time to help me out.

And lastly, Alex. Oh man, what can I say. You went above and beyond and I didn’t see it coming at all. Some of the time, I felt guilty for taking advantage of your kindness, but mostly, I was having way too much fun to even remember to feel guilty. You were there for almost everything and I wouldn’t have it any other way now. You tolerated all my weird mood moments with seemingly unbelievable ease. I’ve said thanks so many times, but I still feel like it’s not enough. I’ll repay you when it’s your turn. Your turn is NOW, btw. I’ll expect you in January. (Kidding! February will be ok too.)

I know I’ve said it like 3 times and repetition is the worst in writing, but this will be the last time, I promise. From my whole row of 4 on the Virgin Atlantic flight to London, Heathrow: I love all of you now. You’re my people, like it or not (ok, maybe not that strictly, lol). We’ll need to do all this again. If at any time, any one of you is in my hood (which includes Estonia, plus all neighboring countries, just so we’re clear) and you don’t let me know, there will be consequences.

I will miss you so much. I’ll be back, I promise.

 

However long that it takes

Sügis on tulekul ja ma ootan teda. Üle pooleteise aasta on lootus ja aimdus, et ehk on elu minu vastu hellem. Ehk universum provide’ib. Universum on juba hetkel provide’inud rohkem, kui ma olen osanud eelneva põhjal loota, kuid slow and steady. Siiski loodan veel, sest olgem ausad, ühes vallas pole universum juba pea 23 ja pool aastat üldse provide’inud. Ehk see tähendab seda, et kui juba siis juba. Loodame parimat.

Olen jõudnud otsusele, et I will sing for the moment, sest miks mitte, sest reisimine ei ole kunagi kellelegi kahju toonud ja üleüldse loen selle plaani juures kokku kõvasti rohkem plusse kui miinuseid. Midagi kindlat veel pole, kuid, lord be my witness, ma annan endast parima, et see toimuks ja novembris saaksin veidikeseks akusid laadima minna. Mul on seda vaja, nii mitmel levelil.

Sügis on toonud kaasa mitmeid uusi tuuli. Mul on viimane aasta bakas (seekord tõesti viimane!), mul on uus töö ja varsti ka uus igapäevane kaaslane arvuti näol. Mu aega hakkab hõivama uus kohustus, bakatöö, ja loodetavasti on peale novembrit ka uus käidud destination, uus hingamine ja outlook, uus pealehakkamine.

Suvi oli töine ja küllalt elamustevaene. Ei midagi ootamatult head, ei midagi ootamatult halba, küll aga uued inimesed, mis on alati rõõmustav. Kevad lõppes küll ootamatusega, mis oli tõesõna meeldiv, kuid osutas siiski vaid väga lokaalset ja lühiajalist mõju. As it should have. Vana Möku ärasaatmine tõi pisarad silma ning ehkki uus on ikkagi kodu, on ta seda siiski veidi vähem ja teisiti kui vana Möku oli. Vana Möku oli fenomen, institutsioon, and I loved it wildly. Et aga nüüd algab uue Möku tubane hooaeg, tõotan anda endast parima ka selle muutmiseks selliseks peokoduks, nagu vana oli, kus hea laulu tulles laulab terve seltskond kaasa ja tantsib ennastunustavalt keset teisi, kes vahel lähevad ja vahel ei lähe asjaga üldse kaasa.

See draama, mille kõige keskel ma suplen, on ikka tõeliselt mind-boggling. Ma vähemalt ARVAN, et see ei ole minu süü, kuid kindel on vaid see, et ehkki ma draamat ei otsi, leiab see mu tihtipeale sellegipoolest. Igatsen ja kadestan straight-forward asju ja suhtlemisi, kuid paistab, et mulle ei ole antud. Lohutab vähemalt see, et kui kellelegi ei anta rohkem, kui ta kanda jõuab, siis I am the mothereffing Hulk. :D

Mu strangercrush on ka imelik. See on üks inimene, kellega ma ei tahaks mingil juhul sõber olla, sest et kui tema GF (viimase aja näitel paistab, et) inevitably süüdistaks mind selles, et võibolla mulle meeldib ta mees liiga palju, siis ma ei saaks seda isegi eitada. Meeldib jah. I agree, it’s a problem. Hence jätan asja muigamiste ja sõnatute shotivõtmiste juurde. Milleks kutsuda kurja karja. :D

Peace, särasilmad! Saatke palun oma head soovid universumisse. Right now, I need them all. Muah!

Sometimes I gotta remind myself that I am phenomenal.

Eminem – Phenomenal

We’ll speak in our secret tongues

Näete? Ma koguaeg ei olegi surnud.

Täna on kuidagi mõtlik päev olnud. Nii hea, aga nii mõtlik. Mitmeid ootamatuid asju on juhtunud, mis on teinud tuju nii-ii heaks, ja siis üks, mis korraks natuke alla tõi, aga siis tulid jälle head asjad peale. Nii mulle meeldib. See annab lootust, et kõik läheb ilusamaks, et päike tuleb välja. Ja äkki jääb ka natukeseks!

Aga natuke on imelik ka. Headus kaalub selle küll nii väga üles, aga natuke on imelik ka. :D Imelik on näiteks see, et kuni… huu, mõni päev tagasi olin ma täiesti fain. Täiesti okei oma otsustega ja iseolemisega, täiesti okei sellega, kuna mingid asjad viimati juhtusid. Okei selle kerge lähedusedefitsiidiga, milles ma elan. Ja mitte, et ma otseselt nüüd enam ei oleks, lihtsalt… Väga järsku tekkis see tunne, et oota. See inimene. SEE INIMENE. Temaga tahaks pühapäeva hommikul koos voodis pannkooke süüa. Ja siis tuli veel üks See Inimene ja siis oli seda imelikum, aga lihtsalt… See kõik on nii järsku, miks nüüd? :D Muidugi, nagu mul ikka, ma olen lõpmata picky; ei ole see, et igaüks sobib. Et need sobiks, kes sobida tahaks. Aga päevad nagu tänane annavad lootust, et varsti! Kunagi! Kunagi naeran ma kellegi üle, kes endale voodis süües vaarikamoosi kõhu peale ajab. Ja mõtlen, et this has got to be the good life.

See on ka imelik, et nüüd järjest hakkab juhtuma asju, mis meenutavad mulle seda, mis täpselt samal ajal eelmisel aastal juhtus. Eile oli öölaulupidu. Peagi on paadiralli, võibolla vihmase ilmaga. Neljapäeval on Möku, viimane Möku sellisena, nagu ma teda teadma ja armastama õppisin. Kõik sellised asjad, ja mul on teist korda üldse selle teema tõttu imelik, sest et millegipärast tundub, et see, mis natuke aega juhtus, peakski nii juhtuma. Et see on see, mis on tavaline ja normaalne, aga ei ole ju. Ja asja teeb vaid veidramaks see, et ma tean, et mina olen ainuke, kelle jaoks see imelik tundub.

Jätkuvalt viib elu mind kokku inimestega, kes mind paremaks muudavad, igaüks natuke ja omamoodi. Ja ma olen igaühe üle nii õnnelik! Yes, people! Come brighten my corner!

Peace, särasilmad! Tulge ikka ja tehke mu päevi ilusaks. :)

So will you come back to my corner? Spent too long alone tonight.

A lit torch to the woodpile.

Frightened Rabbit – The Woodpile